


way back we go

by enkiduu



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, K/S Advent Calendar 2016, M/M, Minor/Past character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-16
Updated: 2016-12-16
Packaged: 2018-09-09 02:32:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8872363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enkiduu/pseuds/enkiduu
Summary: They're stuck in a cave. A very cold cave in the middle of nowhere, that apparently leads to places of memories past.
(Sometimes to learn how to move forward, you have to go back first.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> so excited to post this! this is for day 16 of the K/S advent 2016 (which is hosted over [here](http://ksadvent.livejournal.com/), check it out. thanks to Ashley & Amanda for organizing the whole thing!)

Jim sighed. Mnazaan was just a tourist resort for those who didn't mind the minor inconvenience of freezing their toes off, which was probably the most dangerous thing that could happen here.

Well. Apart from dying of boredom. That was becoming a very real threat.

“Mnazaan is beautiful,” Uhura said, apparently enraptured by the vibrant color of snow. She could probably name all the shades of white around here, and the occasional splash of blue.

“There’s nothing here,” Jim said. “I’m not even exaggerating.” He looked out the huge window at the all-consuming white. If not for the specially tinted glass, they’d probably all be blind right now.

“That's the point,” Uhura said. “People come here for rest and self-discovery. The lack of scenery lets you focus and look inside yourself.”

The bleakness of the landscape only made Jim feel restless, like he had to _do_ something. It didn't help him focus at all.

“The food isn't so bad, Keptin,” Chekov piped up.

“You’re eating ice,” Uhura pointed out.

Chekov grinned. “ _Flavored_ ice,” he corrected with a crunch. “It comes in fifteen hundred flavors. You never know which one you get.”

“Exciting,” Jim said. He looked around the lounge for Spock, who wasn't here. He probably went to visit the museums here.

He stood up and grabbed his jacket. “I bet Spock loves the special Mnazaan relaxation package, he sure needs it. But I’m off to get a drink.”

Uhura’s expression flickered with something unreadable. She took a sip of her drink and smiled slightly. “Have fun.”

 

*******

 

The blizzard outside howled. Jim shivered, hiding behind the cave wall. It did little to shield him from the cold, but it made it less likely for the snow to carry out a frontal assault on his face.

On the other hand, Spock looked positively furious. Well, that was Jim’s guess, anyway. He wasn’t exactly expressive, but his brows were pinched together slightly. For Spock, this probably meant he was ready to rip someone’s head off.

So Jim shuffled a little further.

This _sucked._ Instead of getting drunk at some Mnazaan bar, he just had to run into Spock at said bar (which, why had he even been there?). Then they had to run into some spooky witch, and now they were stuck in some weird, magical cavern. Just when he started to believe that Christmas couldn’t get any worse.

“We need to get out of here,” Jim said, then realized Spock couldn’t hear him due to the blizzard outside. He could barely hear himself. “Spock!” he yelled, making running finger people to convey his meaning. “We—need—to—get—back!”

At least it got Spock’s attention. Despite being his second-in-command and supposedly his best friend in another universe, Spock wasn't very friendly in this one. He only gave his attention to Captain Kirk, never to Jim. Which shouldn't have bothered Jim as much as it did.

Right now, Spock stared at him like he was an idiot, which was the default impression Jim always got from him.

That was uncalled for—Jim was _fantastic_ at charades.

Spock said something. Jim pointed at his ear and shook his head. He started moving forward, past Spock and towards the dark path that led deeper into the cave. Spock would get the hint and follow.

And follow he did, but not happily. “Captain,” he began.

“Ah, good. I can hear you, now that the wind’s not trying to blow my ears off.”

“We should not venture into the cave. It is clearly a trap. We do not know what the woman wanted with us.”

“The witch said if we wanted to save who needed to be saved, we needed to get through this together.” Jim frowned. “Why are witches always so cryptic?”

“The woman is no witch,” Spock said. “You speak as though you have had dealings with witches in the past.”

“Well, no. But I've seen the movies.”

Spock was unamused. “Magic is merely science that we do not comprehend yet.”

“She overpowered both of us and knocked us out, then brought us to some cave that we can't exit. You're a Vulcan, by the way. You don't usually get knocked out so easily by frail, old women.” He glanced over and arched an eyebrow. “Do you?”

Spock cast him a Look. “No, I do not,” he said. “That further proves that this is a trap, Captain. We are unarmed and have no means of communication. It is best if we—”

“Waiting around is illogical,” Jim said, exasperated. He couldn't just do nothing and sit around like some target dummy. “Who’s going to find us here? She got us. She might've gotten our crew too. We _need_ to take this risk.”

Spock must’ve disagreed with that sentiment, as usual, considering it too reckless. He always disagreed with sentiment, really. But he inclined his head, recognizing the fact that Jim wasn't going to back down on this, and so they moved on.

They walked slowly into the cave. There was a faint light source up ahead, blue and unnatural. The stone ground gradually changed into metal, and they were in a hallway now.

The air was humid and reeked of death.

Jim tensed, stopping, eyes darting around. He suddenly wished they hadn't walked this way. It was hauntingly familiar. He knew this path, and it led to nowhere good. It led to nowhere at all, only darkness.  

Spock halted beside him, gaze questioning and wary. He was ready for a fight.

“You smell that?” Jim asked.

“Something is rotten,” Spock answered.

Jim grimaced. “Rotten, alright,” he muttered. He glanced behind him. Spock followed his gaze when Jim froze.

“The path…” Jim stared.

“It is as if it were never there,” Spock said, moving to examine the wall that’d appeared out of nowhere. “I did not hear a door close.”

Jim felt trapped. He let out a laugh, and hoped he didn’t sound as nervous as he felt. “Huh. Illogical, right, Spock? You always say that. Kinda like a catchphrase, actually. If that’s yours, what do you think is mine?”

Spock arched an eyebrow, turning back to Jim in surprise. Right. Jim didn’t usually joke around like that with Spock, especially not during missions. They had a strictly professional relationship and it wasn’t as if Spock needed something like a reassuring morale boost. Jim shouldn’t need one. He was the captain, he was supposed to _lead_. He couldn’t falter.

He opened his mouth but Spock spoke first. “That is most illogical, Captain. Phrases cannot be caught.”

Jim blinked.

“However, I do agree that it is something we need to investigate, should we wish to save ourselves and, possibly, our crew.” Spock took a few steps forward and paused, waiting for Jim to walk by him expectantly, but not impatiently.

Well. The only way was forward. “We need to get back,” he said. “We need to save our crew and then get back.”

Spock nodded as if there were no doubt about it, as if he hadn’t disagreed with him a few minutes ago.

It was like a mission. Jim could do missions. He nodded back and began moving, despite the dread that pooled in his stomach and the way his hair stood on end.

They reached a turn. Jim prepared himself for what he might see around the bend.

Not prepared enough.

“ _No_ ,” Jim breathed, shocked.

Spock saw the same thing as he, but he didn't understand. Spock couldn’t understand, how could he?

And shit, neither could Jim. It made no fucking sense. Except maybe that was the point? Maybe this was some—simulation? To mess with their minds? It couldn’t be anything else. Jim’s thought ran along a line of desperation. Impossible.

“You’re back,” the girl who was sitting against the hallway wall said, green eyes boring in Jim’s, voice hoarse from coughing. “ _Finally._ I was getting bored.” Though her words were flippant, she looked so relieved.

_Impossible_.  

“Who are you?” Spock asked, which meant Jim wasn't hallucinating. Or maybe he was hallucinating the whole thing, including Spock, but why would he even hallucinate Spock? He wouldn't. That part made no sense either.

“Why are you here?” Jim asked. “ _How_ …”

“I was waiting for you,” she said easily.  

Jim flinched. _Waiting for some who'd never come_ , he thought.

She glanced at Spock. “Are you his friend?”

Spock must’ve been taken aback by the question, because his response came a beat later than usual. “You can trust us. Who are you?”

Yeah, that wasn’t a yes, Jim noted. They were Captain and Commander, but when had they been friends? Spock only ever acted like a robot around Jim. He didn’t know what Uhura had seen in him, before they broke it off. He didn't really know Spock.

But Jim knew who the girl was. She was _the_ girl.

“Karina,” Jim said.

“Yes, Jim,” Karina said, standing up. “I almost thought you forgot me.”

Jim shook his head, unable to look away from her. “You can’t be _real._ ”

“Captain,” Spock said firmly. “Please explain the situation. You know her.”

“It doesn’t make any sense.” Jim managed to tear his gaze away from Karina. “She died. I know this place, but it can’t exist anymore. None of this can.” He looked at Spock. “I _can’t_ explain, Spock.”

Spock considered this. “Perhaps this is a computer simulation.”

It felt real. It all felt too real to be some sort of Matrix world. Jim’s senses were running wildly except they didn’t make sense. The humid stench in the air was suffocating. He felt like there was fungi growing in his lungs, filling them up where there should be oxygen.

“Or… time travel,” Jim said. That was possible. Why now, and how? He didn’t know. But…

Spock paused for a moment. “It is indeed a possibility,” he finally said.  

“Ugh. Seriously?” Karina rolled her eyes. “I’ve been waiting for so long, Jim, you can’t just say I don’t exist. Okay, come _on_ , we need to get out of here, dummy. We can chat later when we find the others.”

If this was _real,_ if the past was his present, then he needed to change the future. Jim recovered from his stupor (mostly; okay, not mostly, but enough to act now, it’ll have to be enough) and said, “You’re right. Follow me close.”

“Captain—”

“No time to talk, Spock, we need to act. I don’t know when it’s gonna happen, but I know there’ll be a fire.” Jim needed to do _something_ to fix things. Last time around, he’d gone out (so _stupid,_ should have stayed, should have taken Karina with him, should’ve done more).  

“A fire?” Karina looked at him, alarmed and unsure. She was just a _kid_ , sixteen, here on vacation. Too young to die. And according to Kodos, too weak to live. “I can’t really run.”

“I can carry you,” Jim offered.

“No. I will carry you,” Spock counter-offered, then said to Jim, “You know the way better and you have knowledge of what will transpire.”

“I hope I know what’s _not_ going to happen,” Jim said. “Alright. Let’s go.”

There was a sudden explosion. _Shit._ It’s happening. Those who were hunting down survivors set of bombs, scared that they would talk and tell what happened. As if it would’ve made a difference.

_Maybe it will,_ Jim thought as they ran. _Maybe we can make a difference._

They dodged metallic wires that drooped down and the electricity that crackled in the air, and avoided all the dead bodies on the ground.

The smoke was building.  

“We’re almost out, almost! Hang in there,” he pleaded, making turns. And there, there was the light. The exit was right there, so close.

Jim breathed in the fresh air, coughing. They reached an open area where they were far enough from the building.

Spock was holding on to Karina, whose eyes were dim. She looked on the brink of death.

“No. Fuck. Karina,” Jim said. “Wake up. You’re safe. We can go find Kevin and the others…”

“I do not understand. Her condition has worsened substantially,” Spock said. He lowered both of them down. “The smoke should not have done such damage.”

“She’s _dying,_ Spock, no kidding,” Jim said shakily. He knelt down beside her. “No, no, no, Karina, this isn’t supposed to happen. Not again. This happened once already. Once is fucking enough. I couldn’t save her then.”

Karina coughed up blood, black as tar.

He shook his head, distressed. “If this is some stupid magic shit for a second chance, it’s not working. I should be able to do better. This shouldn’t happen _again_.”

She lifted a hand to Jim’s and _smiled_. “‘S okay, dummy. You’re alive. ‘S enough. Now go.”

“Karina!”

She stopped breathing.

“I grieve with thee,” Spock said softly.

She died. Again.

Jim blinked wetly. “ _No,_ ” he said, holding onto her hand. “I promised her I'd save her.” He’d made a lot of promises to people he'd wanted to save.

“We need to leave.” Spock still carried Karina’s body instead of dumping her on the ground. “Jim. There are more people to save,” he said, sounding so damn certain. “We need to move on.”

That knocked some air back into Jim’s lungs. He breathed and choked on ashes and dust, the heat constricting and terrible. The flames from the building were still visible, but the view made Jim’s head and heart ache with confusion and pain.

A while later, after Jim had caught his breath, Spock spoke. The flames crackled in the distance, the putrid scent of the fungi diffusing through the air.

 

*******

 

It felt like an eternity later when the silence was finally broken again. The landscape had morphed back into the cave. No exits, just a view of the sky.

It was bright, but cold. Jim could still feel the fire licking his skin.

“This is your memory,” Spock said. “I do not know what motive the ‘witch’ had, but do not let the past hinder your present. It is not your fault.”

“Spock. I know this isn’t—real. Thanks for… playing along, I guess,” Jim said wearily. “But a second chance is too much to hope for.” He ran a hand through his hair, staring at Karina’s dead body. Just like how he remembered. Just like how he’d tried to forget. _Fuck._  He exhaled. “I could’ve done better. Done more.”

“I understand.”

Jim felt surprised. “You do?” he whispered. “I couldn't do _anything_. Not back then, not now.”

“Precisely,” Spock agreed. “You could not do anything. I grieve with thee for her passing.” His voice was rougher than usual—pained. Grieving. Jim was abruptly reminded of Vulcan, of his _mother,_ and winced.

“You always perform to the best of your ability. Do not blame yourself for what cannot be changed.” Spock’s dark eyes flickered. They were a deep brown and more expressive than anyone would expect. “But the change you have brought to the world is undeniable—and good. Do not doubt that.”

“You mean it,” Jim said, feeling mystified and torn. He couldn’t really believe his eyes. He knew that Spock had feelings, he’d felt them, back in the cave. Well, the cave a year ago, where he met the Other Spock.

He supposed he was meeting his Spock in this cave. Finally. Jim smiled, tired, but it was genuine. “Thanks,” he said. “Really. _I_ mean it, Spock.”

The Karina illusion in Spock’s body began to dissipate into what appeared to be snow. Jim reached out to catch them, but they were blown away by the wind, gently. Jim’s gaze followed them to the heavens.

“I see it inside you. Vulcans do not lie.”

“Yeah.” This is what Spock had been willing to show Uhura—his human side.  That was probably more accurate than what Jim thought before. “But you haven't changed outwardly since we met. You've been so… distant.” It had disappointed him. Jim had learnt to not put people on pedestals, nor to expect too much, if anything at all.

Spock hesitated. “The change you have made in me is something I was unwilling to face. You possess a quality in you that is most… human. Illogical,” he added.  

“Great, thanks,” Jim said dryly, grinning. then said, “huh. I think I get it. I see it in you, too.” _Afraid to get too close and get burned_ was practically his title. Jim looked up at the sky and sighed, then faced Spock properly. “That's why you act so cold,” he mused.

“That is inaccurate. My body temperature is higher than the average human’s.”

Jim shook his head, huffing out a laugh. It wasn't forced, surprisingly, after witnessing Karina’s death. Or the memory of it, anyway. “I can’t believe you’ve been hiding your sense of humor from me, Spock.”

Spock does not deny it. “The doctor will not believe you,” he said, straightfaced.

“Oh, you’re sneaky,” Jim accused. He sighed dramatically. “Don’t worry.” He smiled, a tad sad, but mostly happy. “I do.” Jim took a deep breath. “If it's not my fault, then it isn't yours either.”

Spock straightened up, as if it were even possible to ameliorate his perfect posture. “Captain,” he began.

“Call me Jim,” Jim said. “We’re… we’re friends, okay? I’d like that.” Maybe even more than that, but Jim was willing to wait.

“I concur.” Spock’s lips curved up slightly into a smile, but it was tentative. 

Jim nodded, still shaken, but feeling better. “Thank you, Spock.”

“And I you, Jim.”

The cave suddenly moved, the earth shaking. Jim automatically reached for Spock to avoid tripping. When the world stopped trembling, they were in a desert, tall dunes in the distance.

The thing was, it wasn’t just any desert. And they weren’t in the middle of nowhere (although they should’ve been).

Spock froze beside Jim, breath catching in his throat.

“Oh,” Jim said.

_Vulcan_.

 

*******

 

This was the most surreal thing Jim had ever experienced, and he was counting that one party with the singing, hipster dolphins.

“I’m Amanda Grayson,” the woman said, smiling at Jim after she’d embraced Spock, who’d hung onto her like she was a lifeline. “Spock’s mother.”

Spock’s eyes were suspiciously wet.

“You must be Jim,” Amanda continued, looking so pleased to meet him. It was a difficult whiplash to handle, compared to the previous scenarios.

Jim really hoped they weren’t going to get a flashback of Amanda dying. He held back a grimace and hoped Spock wasn’t worried about the same thing.

“Uh,” Jim said smartly when he remembered how to speak. “Yes. That is me. Jim Kirk. Nice to meet you.”

“Come sit,” Amanda beckoned, leading Spock by his hand. “I made your favorite cookies.”

“Mother,” Spock rasped. He sounded so young, so lost.

“I’m sure you have many questions,” Amanda said. “Here.” She handed them each a plate of gingerbread cookies.

“You were expecting us,” Spock said. “Are you…”

“Aware that this is all in your imagination?” Amanda asked, not unkindly. Too kindly, actually. Jim was very much unaccustomed to such motherly love. “Yes, Spock. But that doesn’t mean this has no meaning. The answers you seek are right here.”

“I do not understand,” Spock said. “If the witch has created a world of memories for Jim and I to lose ourselves in, she will fail.”

“‘Witch’?” Amanda repeated, amused. “You always did enjoy those bedtime stories.”

“What!” Jim blinked.  

Amanda nudged their plates, laughing softly. “Try them.”

Spock held onto a cookie carefully, as if they were some holy artifact. He took a bite. Jim tried one too. If it was poison, well, what a way to go. Death by gingerbread cookies.

They tasted delicious. Jim felt a wave of warmth and yeah, he might've been crying. It was kind of an overwhelming day.

“They are most satisfactory,” Spock said. “Mother, I…”

“I know,” Amanda said gently. “I do not blame you, Spock. Do not continue to punish yourself.”

Jim’s brows drew together.

“I do not punish myself,” Spock denied.

“You hang onto your pain, Spock.”

“There is not much else to hang on to,” Spock said. “And no one else will.”

Jim raised his eyebrows. _Wow._  Spock. That broke his heart.

“Think happy memories,” Amanda said. “You are allowed to be happy.” She turned to Jim, surprisingly. “You too, Jim.”

“Ma’am…”

Allowed? To be happy? Jim wasn't sure he knew _how_. Neither did Spock, apparently. 

“Amanda, please. I'm not that old yet,” she said, then tilted her head like she was listening to something. “It’s time.”

Spock’s expression was reluctant.

“I love you, Spock,” Amanda said, caressing his cheek. “Take care of each other.”

“Mother—”

A flash of light overtook Jim, blinding white and warm and soft and magical.

_Maybe they could figure it out together?_

And then there was everything.

 

*******

 

Jim gasped, sitting up in his chair, reaching for someone who wasn’t there, because everything hadn’t been real, or everything _had_ , but it was possible Spock would pretend none of it was. He hoped not.

The memories seemed so… unreal, now that he was awake.

All a dream.

“Spock,” Jim said when he saw Spock. Spock was already standing, eyes wider than normal, lips parted. “ _Spock_ ,” he repeated, a plea, more uncertain now. _Please tell me I didn’t dream all that alone. Please tell me you were there too. Please don’t pretend that we… that we aren’t friends…_

“Jim,” Spock said softly, and reached out to grasp Jim’s hand reassuringly. Kindness, and understanding, and forgiveness. Jim smiled, holding on tightly, feeling a burden lift from his heart.

Sometimes, you had to learn how to let go.

Sometimes, you had to learn how to hold on. Be happy. Things were going to get better. They didn't realize they needed it or that they could, but they'd save each other.

It was enough. They were enough.

In the sky outside the bar, Mnazaan’s sun peeked out from the horizon.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed, and wherever you are, you are having a lovely day/night! <3 
> 
> (I'm really surprised this didn't end in sex, considering it started out in a very cold cave in the middle of nowhere...)


End file.
